The reckoning of my soul
The walls I built to hold it all in are crumbling. Sitting vulnerable in my room with the doors and windows blown wide open.
My space is darkness now. Solitude. Naked in a swamp of my own doing. Fear lurking above the murky waters. A heavy fog hovers along the water’s edge. There is no crevice too small, for fear swarms everywhere.
Nothing looks the same. Nothing sounds the same. Old words no longer make sense, no longer apply. People in my life no longer seem to fit. I am not recognizable even to myself. I am not who I thought I was. I am not the person I created myself to be.
I can’t run from my fears any longer. I can’t run from myself any longer. Can’t grab onto anyone to distract me. Can’t numb myself out of feeling because God will have no more of that. I asked to see what he needed me to see, guided by a knowing that I had it all wrong. Then my world exploded.
“Sit” God says, “Sit and let go. Unbusy your mind. Listen deeply. For in your darkest moments you will find wisdom and light. Embrace the darkness for there is purpose in it. Caress the darkest dark because it is there that I Am”.
Can the darkest dark of my darkest hour be the beginning of the death of me, the birth of me or both?
I sit in dark solitude hoping that it is both.